I’m Noticing a Pattern….
Damon
“Well, we will need to change that.”
“I’m not sure I can do that.” I’m embarrassed to say it.
It would be easier for both of us to reject this bond. I would spare her from this shitty world I have made myself and she would be happier.
“Why would you not be able to get more dishes? Is it a financial thing?” Amani asks with a hint of concern on her features. It would be much easier to lie to her, but I cannot do that to my mate.
“No, it is not a money thing.”
“So, do you not feel comfortable picking the dishes out?”
“You could say that.” I shift my weight on my feet before deciding to lean on the counter for support.
I stare down at the floor, unable to meet her gaze.
“Do you want me to pick them out?” Amani asks innocently, but the question alone is enough to feel anxiety trying to worm its way into my chest, constricting.
“No. I don’t want that either..Not that I don’t want you to have dishes here. I want you to be comfortable and have all that you need. I do not know if I can provide that for you.”
“It’s dishes.” I watch as her eyebrows rise in confusion and evident shock at my words.
Damn it. I’m screwing this us.
“You do not want to share your space?” Amani assumes, and probably rightfully so.
“Well, that question has a long answer. I want to share my space with you, but it will be hard for me to do that, though.”
“I get it. Living alone can make it hard to share your space.” Amani offers me a smile, probably born from pity.
“No, that is not it. If there are more dishes, then there is more mess. More dishes are used. They could sit in the sink, piling up or on the counters.” Amani furrows her brows slightly before opening the cupboards beneath the island.
“They’re all empty. You do not cook at home?” Amani stands tall, gesturing toward the empty cupboards. It isn’t very comfortable.
1/4
I’m Noticing a Patterne
No. I mainly utilize the mess halle
Because the dishes could pile up.”
Yes.”
“But you can wash the dishes.” Sounds like a simple suggestion, but Amani does not realize the problems it could lead to.
“I could. I do now, but what if I have more dishes and can’t get them washed? What if something happens and they pile up and those pile on top of the pile that is already there? Not to mention the bugs and vermin that could let in.” I feel my anxiety level rising at the thought of it.
“Right. You do not use the dishwasher?” I know she is trying to word her question carefully, and would much rather point out that I have one, and using the dishwasher would be a simple solution to my dish problem.
It is much deeper than that.
“No, nothing is allowed to go in there.”
“Because you have nothing to put in there?”
“Because there are a lot of things other than dishes that somebody could put in there.” I shudder
thinking about the trash that used to be in ours.
“What if I do the dishes for you?” I watch her for a minute, running scenarios through my head and trying to gauge my answer. I do not want to lose my mate, I also do not want to live in a shit hole
either.
“What if we go to the mess hall tonight, and tomorrow we can get one more place setting. I could prove to you that the dishes will be washed. I know it is important that we both learn that we can trust each other. I want you to trust me with this.”
“No other dishes?” I ask, looking for the catch but also wanting to give her something. Something easy. This seems like it could be easy enough.
But that is how it starts.
Then it snowballs.
“No other dishes,” Amani answers warmly with a smile that warms something within me. I do not know how she is remaining so calm when she just found out her mate refuses to own dishes and has
an irrational fear of the dishwasher.
My skin crawls thinking about how she will likely want more dishes in the future.
2/4
I’m Notieing a Püttern…
One more place setting. I can do one more. I compromise and watch her face light up, I could: used to seeing more than that.
“Great. Do I want to ask how many towels you have?”
No.
“Alright, do I want to ask about pillows or blankets?”
“Probably not.”
“Okay. So I assume you wash your towel every day?”
“Yes, but I have a spare in case of an emergency. You can have one, but I do not know what we will
do if we need another.”
“We could buy another,” Amani suggests as she starts to give herself the apartment tour. She won’t find much. There is nothing on the walls. Barely anything anywhere.
Just how I like it.
“Then there are too many towels.”
“I’m starting to see a pattern.” Amani voices from the bedroom. I have a king–sized bed because I am large, but only one blanket and one pillow.
“I know how ridiculous it sounds.” I follow her around, watching for expressions that would signal
she wants out of this.
“No, no. I get it. There are things in life that happen to us that change our courses, change who we are. We get to decide to what degree we allow it to change us, though.”
“Wise words.” I smile at her. If only I could view it as that simple.
“I do not smell any scents that are not yours in your apartment.”
”
“You won’t,” I reply. I have no others over. I do not have the tools required to be an adequate host, so
I don’t bother.
“You do not have company over?)
“No.”
“You do not bring she–wolves back here,” Amani says as she runs her hand over my blanket. My one pillow is in the center of the bed. Will she sleep next to me? Of course, she will, we are mates, and she cannot sleep in the recliner.
S/4
I’m Noticing a Patternas
I just know that she is going to ask me for a pillow.
The changes that will come into my life now that I have a mate are big, and I’m not too sure Fean
handle them.
“Never.” I allow her to make assumptions regarding my sex life. “Would you like to go eat? I attempt to change the subject and the scrutiny on my current living situation.
“Ummm….sure,” Amani replies, hesitantly. She probably feels I piled on a lot of crap for her to deal with that she did not sign up for.
I haven’t even begun dumping things on her. I do not want to think about her reaction if I decide to tell her why I live to such an extreme. However, she is my mate and deserves to know.
I do not like it.
I have no desire to talk about it either.
Chapter Comments
