4
After Ben caught me with Josh, the
atmosphere at home grew so toxic that I
couldn’t focus on school anymore.
Josh didn’t understand it. He tutored me more
patiently, encouraging me.
But he didn’t know that while he was trying
so hard to help me, I was falling into a pit of
dirt, close to death again and again.
After it happened, Ben held me against the
window, pointing at Josh who was waiting
downstairs, sneering and asking if I thought
my little boyfriend would suddenly look up.
My struggle only made him more violent,
eventually leading to my imprisonment. I kept
cutting my skin, watching as they went from
indifference to disbelief.
I’d finally bought myself some freedom.
But I couldn’t bring myself to accept Josh’s
kindness like that. He was like light and hope,
cutting a path through the darkness. But that
hell was.
1164
So, what did I do? One sunny afternoon, I took Josh to the supply closet where he had saved me the first time. I took off my clothes, showing him all of the scars, along with the mark on my chest.
I remember his shocked expression, and the way his eyes widened. I remember him
picking up my jacket and silently putting it on me. He opened his mouth, but didn’t know
what to say. Instead, he just turned around
and left, not forgetting to close the door.
I didn’t cry, just put my clothes back on.
I knew that Josh and I were done.
I was on my own again, studying and walking
L
alone.
It felt like things were the way they used to
- Only the streetlights weren’t as bright
anymore, and I never ate oden again.
He probably didn’t know that I did really well
on my SATs, and got into the college he told
me about.
I used self-harm to buy myself four years of
freedom.
I lived what seemed like a normal life, saw the
ocean, the mountains, and the hot air
balloons over the prairies.
I was trying to live.
Maybe, maybe the next time I saw Josh, I
<
could tell him what happened to me, without
fear.
I saw him again my first year out of college.
My mother called, begging me to come home
because Ashley was bringing her boyfriend
and wanted all of us there.
So I went home again after five years, and my
mom, stepdad, and Ben waited for me
expectantly. And that’s when I saw Josh
walking through the door with Ashley.
Thankfully, I had not trapped him in that dusty
supply closet.
But I had no chance to tell him that I was
doing my best to live.
I understood why I couldn’t leave. I was tied
く
to that family with a strong, stubborn thread.
I hated how I was now just a wandering soul.
If I wasn’t, I would have stopped Josh from
reading my diary.
It was a story about my soul, rotten like mud;
about the disgusting events I was ashamed
of; about the past that had been carved into
my bones.
And now, all of that was laid bare before
Josh.
The breakfast the next day was something
that Josh had gotten from a shop outside.
I tried to hold Josh’s hand, but each time I
failed.
L
I had left that body behind. I had a chance to
start over.
But you didn’t, Josh.
I was not worthy of you.
I watched as he served the laced porridge to
my mom, stepdad, Ben, and Ashley. I watched
their faces get red, then they fell to the
ground, convulsing, foaming at the mouth.
I crouched down to watch them die, my
unfeeling mom, my fake stepdad, my selfish
Ben, and my cowardly Ashley.
Then there was the grieving Josh.
I stood up, heading toward the door. I could
feel the blood ties that bound me gradually fading away. I was finally free.
I heard Josh calling me. I turned around. He
walked toward me, gently taking my hand and leading me toward the light.
لو
I heard my family calling my name, full of regret and fake kindness. I didn’t look back. Since they never cared about me when I was
alive, there was no reason to see them now that I was gone.
I died three times.
On a summer afternoon when I was eight,
during a snowy winter night when I was a
teen, and on a rainy night when I was twenty-
three.
