85
LYRIC
Sunlight streamed through the window, resting on my face.
I stirred awake from the discomfort, turning away from the sunlight and yawning.
My head was a little light. It took a moment longer for the memory to flood in.
Only this time…there was no memory.
I slept peacefully through the night.
He didn’t come. Nobody made love to me.
Looking at the side of the bed, I found the pill there.
I brushed my fingers into my hair, completely down.
The dream didn’t happen because I didn’t take the pill. Did this mean all the memories truly did happen in my dream? None of it was physical?
******
I was so disoriented that even Jace noticed while I was having lunch with him.
“Do you need a bigger spoon to turn your meal with? I could get one from the kitchen, you know?” He taunted.
I rolled my eyes, snapping out of my thoughts.
“I’m serious, Ly. For the past one minute, that’s all you’ve been doing on this table. Now, are you gonna tell me what the hell is wrong with you?”
I finally took a bite from my fries. It was tasteless on my tongue.
I couldn’t blame myself for not eating when my mind was plagued by these sex dreams.
“It’s fine,” I murmured.
He tried some more to get it out of me, but there was no way I was admitting to him that I’d been having sex dreams of a man who disliked me. It was too embarrassing.
“When are we telling the truth about the kids?” He asked a while later when he’s given up on trying to get my problems out of me.
Here we go. Another problem.
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“I–We just need time.” I stabbed the mushroom with my fork.
“Time? Okay, how long sweetie? Five more years to match the kids‘ age? Or maybe we should wait until they’re of legal age. That’ll make it better won’t it?”
“Jace…”
“I understand that you love the kids. Trust me, I could never mean harm to those cute little things. But we’re talking about deceit, Lyric. Even they are being deceived into thinking they’re with their family. Have you thought for once that their real family might be out there, mourning their loss? Marta must know where they come from. Wouldn’t you want them to be reunited with their loved ones?”
Now, he did hit a sensitive spot.
I very well knew how much it hurt to lose a child. The children’s parents might have been mourning their loss. Unless, they willingly gave the twins out. But we might never know if we don’t try.
I just felt really bad for Xyla and Xylon. Their lives could take a drastic turn. Even Jaris might never forgive Marta. And worse, what if he grows to hate the kids? That man could be very, unpredictable.
“You’re right,” I murmured, staring down at my plate. “We should tell the truth.”
Seconds passed.
“Goodness, Lyric. Are you crying?”
I lifted my gaze from my plate and realized I was. Oh, what is wrong with me?
In the end, even Jace had a hard time choosing a date to reveal the truth. But we concluded we’d get it done within the week, at least.
After lunch with him, I went for my appointment.
I was on a day off at TCH which was why I had the luxury of time.
I walked into Nivia’s room and was warmly welcomed by her.
Nivia was one of the best psychological doctors. I was never really a fan of her type, but at this point, I didn’t have a choice. I feared I’d lose my mind if I didn’t get to understand what was wrong with me.
She offered me some tea and made me give her a brief history of what the problem was.
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“Tell me all about it, dear. How did you meet this man?”
I stared at the space between my legs as I spoke. “Five years ago. He took care of me when no one else did. It was just one night,” a smile tugged at my lips. “But it was the best night I’d ever had.”
The memory was still very fresh like it happened yesterday. I still think of the very moment Jaris had taken off his mask and get goosebumps. And the magical moment he took mine off and called me ‘Princess‘ when I’d expected him to mock me.
“But he hurt you.” Nivia probed, her eyes studying me. “Didn’t he?”
A tear slid down my cheek as I nodded. “He fixed me, then broke me.”
“Okay, darling. Keep going. Now, you two met again and you think you’re still in love with him?
TI
The question prompted me to hesitate and reflect. Was I still in love with Jaris when I saw him again after five years?
I tried to remember my reaction the first day we met at his Pack. Of course, what was I saying? I’d been in love with Jaris every single day for the past five years.
I watched his lives grow inside me. I spent everyday wishing and hoping he’d find me. He never did.
“Yes,” I whimpered. “I still do. But he doesn’t love me anymore. He keeps hurting me.”
Nivia nodded, scribbling down in her book.
“And now,” I sniffled. “I keep having these dreams of him. They wouldn’t stop. I don’t even know what to do anymore.”
“What kind of dreams?”
I nervously Fiddled with my fingers. “S–Sex dreams.”
Nivia took down more notes.
“I wake up, feeling like it was real. Like I could still feel his touch on me. I don’t know what is wrong with me.”
Nivia was silent for a while as she took in more note in her book. When she finally looked up at me again, she had an opinion.
“Darling, I think you’re truly obsessed with this man. It’s the only reason you’d be having these dreams of him. Have you considered telling him how you feel?”
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Huh?
For the first time since I walked in, I laughed genuinely.
Tell Jaris Dreadmoor how I felt? Not even if I get the instruction from the Moon goddess
herself.
“It’s not possible.” I shook my head. “Both of us…we are always at a disagreement. I think we were cursed never to be together.”
***********
I felt better by the time I left Nivia’s place. She tried to convince me to open up to ‘him‘ about how I felt, but in the end, I refused. There was no telling what Jaris would do to me if he gets to know I liked him. Our issues were probably going to escalate.
She also advised me to find a distraction so I could stop thinking of him. She advised me to hang out with friends, see a movie, read books. Just anything to take my mind off it.
I thought I’d give it a try.
But when night came and I was alone in my room, I stared at the pack of pills in my hand.
Maybe the first step to healing would be to flush these down the toilet. But a strange part of me couldn’t bring myself to do it.
How could I let go of the tiniest part I had or Jaris? These pills might be a mystery, but at least, they helped me satisfy some of my fantasies. Wouldn’t it be foolish to just let it go?
Besides, none of it was real. I’d never do this physically with Jaris. It was all a dream.
Taking one out of the pack, I popped it in my mouth, and like the first time, the sensation came. I was at the brink of consciousness, aware of my surroundings but still not aware at
the same time.
Then, he came.
He touched me and made love to me in one of the sweetest ways. Made me feel so good.
How could I ever stop having these dreams of Jaris Dreadmoor?
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